One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."
So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
actually we call ourselves Angels! (for every one who doesnt know I work in the best xmas shop in Australia!...haha yeah okay blowing our own horn, but everyone tells us that, ppl travel just to come to our store).
A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A man is walking home alone late on Halloween night.
It's dark, and the streetlights are out. Suddenly, he hears
Behind him. He walks faster, but the sound keeps coming.
Worried he is being followed, he glances behind him and through the darkness, and he can just see an upright coffin.
No one seems to be holding the coffin; it's just bumping down the street behind him.
The man is scared. He's sure it's following him! In an effort to shake it off, her turns a corner. To his relief, the sound stops. He keeps walking but before a minute has passed, he hears the familiar sound behind him again:
He is terrified! He starts to run towards his home, but the faster he runs, the faster the coffin bounces along behind him!
He pushes open his front gate, and runs up the path, fumbling for his keys. The coffin reaches the gate and effortlessly pushes it open. It's right behind him!!!
Finally his shaking hands manage to unlock his front door. He has no time to slam it behind him; the coffin is right on his heels! He rushes up the stairs, praying the coffin cannot climb after him.
The coffin pauses at the bottom of the stairs. The man breathes a sigh of relief but ...
The coffin is now climbing the stairs behind him. He runs to the bathroom perhaps he can lock himself in there! His heart pounds and his lungs hurt with the exertion of running for his life! He has only just latched the bathroom door when ...
The coffin breaks through the bathroom door!
What can he do? The coffin is nearly upon him! He reaches out for something heavy that he can throw at the coffin, and his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough syrup.
Desperately, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the coffin and
HA! oh my god. didn't see that coming. okay. i have two.
So, there's a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette all running from the police. They see a farm on the side of the road, so they decide to go hide. the brunette jumps into the pigpen, the redhead hides with the cows, and the blond hides in the potato field.
the police show up, look in the pigpen, and ask "is anyone there?" and the brunette goes "oink oink", and they walk away.
then they look where the cows are,and ask "is anyone there?" and the redhead goes "moooo", and they keep going.
so they go to the potato field, and go "is anyone there?" and the blond goes "po-ta-to, po-ta-to".
HA. and this joke won't make any sense if you aren't familiar with the song "Crank That" by Souja Boy, but if you DO, its so funny! Q: Who is Soulja Boy's best friend? A: YOOOOOOOUUUUUU!
Concord 9.11.06 * Oakland 12.7.07, 12.8.07 * Oakland 7.13.09, San Jose 7.14.09*