nghisus
Nautical Twilight
[M0:0]It takes two to tango but only one to piano.
Posts: 254
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Post by nghisus on Mar 5, 2008 1:26:49 GMT -5
A panda walks into a restaurant's, sits down and politely orders a hamburger. Baffled the restaurant's staff complies and brings him his meal. He dines quietly and as he finished he pulls out a handgun fires three shots in to the air and runs out the front door.
The next week the panda comes back to the same restaurant. He sits in the same spot but when he orders his food the waiter says, "I don't mind serving you but why did you behave in such a way last time?" The Panda hands the waiter a book on Wild Animals turned to the page on pandas and says, "Read that write there.".
The waiter reads,"Panda Bears are known to eat shoots and leaves".
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Post by Saar°berry on Mar 5, 2008 9:10:36 GMT -5
;D
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Post by Smokey John on Mar 25, 2008 20:54:04 GMT -5
Why wasn't Jesus born in Argentina?
Cuz they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
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pandora
Cactus Practice
[M0:21]
Posts: 22
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Post by pandora on Mar 26, 2008 10:59:11 GMT -5
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Post by mycloud on Jul 27, 2008 10:51:57 GMT -5
ON THE TABLE
He laid her on the table So white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide... he looked inside All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey
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Post by Saar°berry on Jul 29, 2008 3:17:41 GMT -5
Mmmm turkey
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Post by mycloud on Aug 9, 2008 21:45:28 GMT -5
Warning! These are rude and will offend people (hahahahah)
1.How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights? 10 Little piggies, 2 Calves, 1 Ass, 1 Pussy, 1 Beaver, An unknown number of hares, And one dead fish no one can find.
2.What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? A. Humpme Dumpme.
3.What is soft and warm when you go to bed , but hard and stiff when you wake up ? A. Vomit
4.What do you get when you cross a nun with a PC? A. A computer that will never go down on you.
5.How do you get a nun pregnant? A. Dress her up as an alter boy.
6.What is the difference between Jurassic Park and IBM? A. One is a theme park dominated by dinosaurs, the other is a Stephen Spielberg film.
7.What do you call two skunks having a 69? A. Odour Eaters.
8.How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A. Phone her.
9.Why does an elephant have four feet? A. Because six inches isn't long enough.
10.What's the worst thing about being a test-tube baby? A. You know your dad's a wanker.
11.How do you make a dog drink? A. Put it in a blender.
12.Why aren't blondes good cattle herder's? A. Because they can't keep their calves together.
13.What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever.
14.What did one lesbian frog say to the other? A. We really do taste like chicken!
15.How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper? A. The tongue's still in the envelope.
16.What's the definition of Trust? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
17.Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coup? A: If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
18.What do you call a fish without an eye ? A: Fsh.
19.Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not very bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy
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Post by almosthistorical on Aug 22, 2008 18:00:30 GMT -5
Two men were sitting in a bar discussing which one of them were the happiest. And as you all know, men think that sex is what makes you happy. So the first man asks, 'how often do you get some?' and the other man answers, 'once every two week'. Then he asks the first man, 'how often do YOU get some?' and the first man answers 'once every month'. Suddenly, they see the bartender who's got a big smile on his face and looks happy, and they ask him, 'how come you look so happy? how often do you get some?' and the bartender answers, 'I get laid once every third year!' 'Then how come you look so happy?' ask the two men, and the bartender says, 'because tonight is the night!'
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Post by mycloud on Aug 24, 2008 16:56:41 GMT -5
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.
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Post by Cat Named Easter on Aug 27, 2008 12:41:54 GMT -5
A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left. The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home. He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left. The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no. . . sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?" So there's a stoner and a super-genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks." The stoner says, "All right, man." The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. He hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks... ;D ...And of course, I got this off the internet. I didn't write it. But it's funny...
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Post by tineegurl29 on Aug 27, 2008 15:06:32 GMT -5
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snackcake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too!!
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Post by Saar°berry on Aug 28, 2008 7:01:35 GMT -5
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Post by mycloud on Sept 6, 2008 11:05:42 GMT -5
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph..'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No , I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. ' Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, j ust relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... Ralph! Wake up. You shit the bed!'
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Post by mycloud on Sept 7, 2008 15:31:42 GMT -5
A male patient is lying in bed in Hospital , wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, female student nurse prepares to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the oxygen mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
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Post by mycloud on Nov 27, 2008 10:39:52 GMT -5
I just got this email from my crazy cousin back East Manure... An interesting fact Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.
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