Romperse, A Poem

[GrapevineGirl]

Hey, this is my first time sharing a poem here, and to be honest I'm a bit nervous because my poems are usually pretty... erm, uh... well here it is. It's a little short...

(Romperse- noun. Spanish for to rip, to tear.)


I want to be swept away
I want to be ripped apart
Your hand against my thigh
Your teeth against my heart.

Your machine expels devotion
Hard smoke inflates my lungs
My eyes begin to water
My fingers wet their tongues.

Hunger is my birthright
Starvation seals my fate
Always running past on broken glass

Those full on love I hate.

Sorry for the melodrama.. Suggestions, especially for lengthening, would be welcome.


k

[pickoutyourcloud]

I like it Kylee. I can never write long poems, so I don't have any suggestions for lengthening. But I think it's great the way it is.

THanks for sharing!

[playboymommy]

Why do you feel like you need to make it longer? If you don't have anything else to add, don't add. I wouldn't try to force anything.

I just wonder why you use commas after almost every line? I would use regular punctuation, since your irregular use doesn't add to the poem. I assume you're trying to do something specific with the commas, but I'm not quite sure I 100% what you're trying to do.

This was my favorite line, "Starvation seals my fate."

Thanks for sharing!

[Saar°berry]

Hey Kylee... I really like your poem... don't think it should be longer neither. I like the shorter poems, short but passionate. Thanks for sharing!!

[SteelLily]

i agree with the others. don't lengthen just for the sake of making it longer. if you have something else you want to say, that's one thing but it works just fine the way it is. i like it and again i agree with kat about the punctuation.

[GrapevineGirl]

Thanks for the feedback you guys.

Since I didn't know what to do with the punctuation, I just got rid of it. ;D

And I guess it works this length...

k

[Alamo Blue]

"My fingers wet their tongues."

LOVE IT!